October Babies

As I slowly recover from the intense experience of Eileen’s birth, I am aware how blessed I am. I am enjoying the comforts of a luxurious room, plenty of food and water, a comfortable bed, an indoor bathroom and a washing machine. None of which I had this time last year, after Molly’s birth. This time, with Eileen, my physical body has suffered much more than the first time. The pain has been close to unbearable for days on end. But, despite the intense pain, I have the help of my mother and sisters which has made a huge difference. Even so, daily I am in more physical pain than I have ever experienced in my life. I have two babies only a year apart. The pregnancies wore me down, each in there own way. I am missing my husband desperately. We don’t even know exactly when we’ll see each other again. Thinking back on the birth experience, I realize the actual process was much harder than Molly’s birth, last October. Although in some ways it was a better experience overall. Last time, I would have given much to have privacy and peace. This time I had everything I needed, privacy, peace, clean sheets, vitamin water, chuck pads…two amazing Christian midwives. But even with all that, I believe not having Orcxance there made it much more difficult. My labor was actually pretty fast both times, but with Eileen it was a little longer and much more painful. I couldn’t look at Orcxance, or feel his presence, or hold his hand. Since I first met him, he has always been the most comforting person in my life; even when I barely knew him. I can’t even explain how or why. So I missed his comfort and strength in my moment of need. A phone call is never enough. We went there and back in the same day. Everything went well without serious complications. That special moment of holding my daughter for this first time was just as amazing the second time around. October is a beautiful month to have babies. Clear skies and leaves. The summer heat has faded and with the baby on the outside I am suddenly lighter. Our return home is in sight. And then there’s the intense reality of daily life. Getting up in the morning early enough to stay ahead of that moment when both my babies are screaming, both need to be fed, have diapers changed and clothes on at the same time…I barely make it. Eileen is a peaceful baby compared to Molly during her first weeks of life on the outside. I am so thankful for this. But, she still spends the majority of the night wanting to nurse a little, then stop, then nurse again. Most nights I don’t get to sleep until 4am. I get Molly in bed at 8, feed Eileen and then she sleeps for an hour or two. Meanwhile Molly has been waking up frequently during the night. Right now our nights look something like this: Molly wakes up while I’m nursing Eileen. I stop nursing and go lay her back down, (she sleeps in the adjacent room) give her back her pacifier and monkey, then go back to Eileen, change her diaper and finish nursing her. When she is calm I lay her down and lie down myself. About 20 minutes later, Eileen is ready to nurse again. When I’ve finished with her, Molly wakes up. I get Molly settled and lie down. Eileen wakes up. Repeat the feeding routine. Lie down. Molly wakes up. Get Molly settled. Change Eileen’s diaper. Lie down. Eileen goes to sleep. I start to doze off and then Eileen wakes and starts crying to fed. Nurse her and lay her down. Molly wakes up. Get her settled. Back to bed. Eileen wakes up. And so the night goes till about 4am. Then there’s about a two-hour period where Molly and Eileen stay asleep at the same time. Then Molly is up around 7:15am and the day begins. Thankfully, due to all the help, I can usually take a nap during the day. After a particular long night, I got up early enough to beat the explosion of crying and dirty diapers, and while I got ready for the day, I listened to this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uhx37FRpcIw It is one I could just put on repeat and keep the words in my head as I struggle through a difficult situation. I remember during some terribly difficult time for us just lying on the bed with Orcxance in the dark and listening to this song over and over and over again. Not saying anything, just being still and both of us weeping on the inside; feeling too much pain to express it in words, but letting the words of the song take their place in my mind.